Have you ever got up on a Sunday morning, went to church like a good American should, and think to yourself “you know, the Lord’s Prayer really could be a little more patriotic”? If so, this is the post for you!
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name. [Also, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America…]
Thy kingdom come; thy will be done by democrats as it is by republicans.
Give us this day our yearly bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, except for those Muslim terrorists (they’re all going to hell anyway).
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from socialism.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever: America!
Let’s break this down, just to make sure we understand what we’re doing here.
First of all, every good American Church has a US flag inside. So why not include the Pledge of Allegiance in the worship service? By putting it into the Lord’s Prayer we highlight its obviously religious context, and by putting it after the “hallowed be thy name” line, we show that we still technically put God first, as if we had to choose between country and religion.
For the second part, “on earth as it is in heaven” is a little too out-of-this-world; we need a more grounded translation that people will understand. So we pray that God’s will might be done by those crazy democrats (formerly “on earth”) as it is currently done by us good American republicans (formerly “in heaven”).
Third, give us this day our daily bread is a silly prayer. It’s much wiser to stock up the pantry, to put money in savings. So let’s not pray to live hand-to-mouth, hanging on each paycheck, but instead ask for our yearly bread: a salary, a decent upper-middle-class wage.
The next section, about praying for the forgiveness of sins (trespasses, debts, whatever translation) needed some clarification. Jeezus doesn’t want us to forgive literally everyone, just other Christians who happen to sin against us by mistake. Don’t worry, you don’t have to show any forgiveness to terrorists. That’s just crazy talk, cowardly, and suicidal.
As for the next line, let’s face it, socialism has a lot of tempting sides to it. “Living” wages, “equal” opportunities, and all that have a good ring to them, and they usually are attached to noble desires. But at the end of the day, they all take money out of the pockets of hard-working Americans like us, and so we pray against that temptation and for deliverance from it.
Finally, let’s ditch “amen.” Nobody knows what it means anyway. Besides, when you think about God’s kingdom, power, and glory, where else on earth will you find that more clearly manifest than in the United States of America?
There, now you can pray just like ole’ Uncle Sam did, back in the good old days!